Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
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took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
it’s not been my year
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.