“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
seems like a niche market
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Monday?
No. Next question.![]()
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers