Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

absolute chaos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is