Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it