Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.