“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*