Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
the composer
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”