Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
#FunnyLife Insects
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”