sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
You Might Also Like
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
This January has 47 Mondays
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor