Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!