Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah