Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
$3 #books
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.