Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

“How’s your day going?”

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity