Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

This is a sub tweet

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”