Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

I have questions??

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.