Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
drew a comic about my origin story
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”