Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I told my vodka about you.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
me opening up to someone
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”