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@EliseRose5: Don't be an ass, be an arse. Do it with class.
@DanMentos: [pitching movie]
"from the iceberg's perspective"
@GrumpyBahr: Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Me: Its all there.
@FU_TangClan: Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
@LostFelicia: Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
@LizHackett: My husband's on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.