Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
That’s classic.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
couldn’t resist
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
What personal space?
My dog
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.