Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

HR said no more nunchucks.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.