Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

🐠

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.