Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murder on the timeline

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

Why I divorced her.

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.