Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again