Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Stop sending me this shit.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

12. I think about this all the damn time

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs