Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Yes, but it was never about money
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad