Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her