Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Happy thanksgiving
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.