Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

sir, my pâté if you please

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.