Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

not for long

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]