Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Them: Just act casual
Me: