Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Yes, this is exactly right

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.