Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Alexa: *deep breath*

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄