Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.