Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

BaD BoY!!

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

This makes total sense…

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.