Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
For anyone who needs this today
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂