Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
You Might Also Like
do what now??
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.