The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
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Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”