Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Tapped in

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.