Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have many caverns

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

58.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Me driving through Toronto

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.