Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.