Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Me irl
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”