Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?