Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.