Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.