Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*