Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
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The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Help
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
