COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
You Might Also Like
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works