Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
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Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
She might be a genius
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.