Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

the composer

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

How to draw a duck

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok