@aparnapkin

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

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@girlwit0filter

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

@Tharin_P

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

@ArfMeasures

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

@HelenMaryMe

If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”

@ashmensch

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@BareChesty

You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”

@Mr_Kapowski

[1st day in Hell]

Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-

Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?

Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!

Me: Ya, snacks

Satan:

Me:

Satan: 3 pm