Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.