Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?


If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.


ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm


If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”


It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.


I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.


You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”


[1st day in Hell]

Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-

Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?

Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!

Me: Ya, snacks



Satan: 3 pm