Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Basketball
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.