Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.