Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
You Might Also Like
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
so i’m at the stock market right
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Breaking news:
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?