Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.