Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right