Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

How all things should be taught/explained.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”