Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine