Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave