Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks