@NYorNothing

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

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@EllaZee5

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

@BoucheDag2k

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

@tastefactory

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

@KissabiX

[helping my only child do homework]

5: can you help?

Me: I’m awful with numbers

8: pleeeeeeeease

@EllaZee5

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

@MoneypennyNaked

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

@novixv

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU

@DemetriusHarmon

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

@ellorysmith

if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”