Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.