Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[helping my only child do homework]
5: can you help?
Me: I’m awful with numbers
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”