Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
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I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
just got my engagement photos
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…