don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
You Might Also Like
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever