don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
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I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.