don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
tinder is all about the long game
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.