don’t be scared
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This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
But is it really??
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.