don’t be scared
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Priorities
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.