Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.