Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Finished stitching this today 😇
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero