Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up