Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩