Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Name this drama.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.