@TheMichaelRock

Don’t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.

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@WigCannon

Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.

@ToxicProbably

Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

@blade_funner

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

@UnFitz

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

@sofarrsogud

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

@tuckerflodman

[CIA]

-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

@leannuh

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

@Cyd10e

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

@donna_gallers

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

@liv_thatsme

Holy shit, I thought my stepmother showed up at my house dressed as Pennywise, but THANK GOD, it was just him.