Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.
Don’t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
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Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.
“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”
-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Holy shit, I thought my stepmother showed up at my house dressed as Pennywise, but THANK GOD, it was just him.