depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
cause of death:
autopsy.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota