Don’t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.

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Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.


Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas



What if you could clap with your feet?


Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.


ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?



-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!


I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography


“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”


Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.


Holy shit, I thought my stepmother showed up at my house dressed as Pennywise, but THANK GOD, it was just him.